Now that the Harry Potter books have come to their inevitable conclusion, an entire legion of readers is no doubt searching for the next great piece of contemporary fantasy literature to fill the nagging void in their lives. And odds are, it’s probably not going to be the comic book adaptation of Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter.
It will, however, be The Chronicles of Solomon Stone, but that’s not really the point. What matters tonight is that during the inexplicable hiatus of the twelve-issue adaptation of Guilty Pleasures, Marvel and Dabel Brothers are releasing an all-new two-issue mini-series that fills in some of the gaps in the popular character’s backstory.
As for me, well, I was shocked to find out that Anita even had a backstory, but that doesn’t mean that The First Death is any less worthy of the mockery and scorn scholarly examination that you’ve no doubt come to expect, which means that it’s time once again for another round of Annotations for everyone’s fifth-favorite vampire hunter!
Grab your own copy and follow along!
1.1: Unlike Guilty Pleasures which is pencilled by Bret Booth, The First Death features the art of newcomer Wellington Alves. You know, I never thought I’d say it, but without a head of hair that looks like a brain-devouring Metroid and the thighs of a dromedary camel, Anita just looks weird.
1.3: Hey Anita! Staring Contest!
…
…
Damn! You win again, Anita. You always do.
2.1: According to Officer Zebrowski, who made his first comics appearance in the pages of the Anita Blake Hardcover, the sight of a grisly murder scene has made Anita “a little pale around the edges.” Anita? Pale? That’s funny, I hadn’t noticed.
5.7:
Huh. Never thought I’d read that in a Marvel comic.
6.2-6.4: Unlike Guilty Pleasures, which is an adaptation of existing material, The First Death is actually a new story for comics written by Laurell K. Hamilton and Jonothon Green. So for those of you wondering what kind of chops it takes to succeed in the world of the written word, allow me to present the following:
10.4: And now, another testament to the accute observational talents of the police in Anita’s world:
Gee, Dolph, I don’t know. Maybe, just maybe it’s the guy who looks like James Marsters in the jacket from Beat It.
11.4: In this panel, five of the Keystone Kops–sorry, St. Louis Police–have their pistols aimed at one vampire who is standing nonchalantly with his hands in his pockets, having made no threatening move whatsoever. This may seem extreme, but keep in mind that in the world of Anita Blake, Vampires are super-strong, sexually overpowering, have the ability to control minds, and, to quote Hamilton herself, “are as powerful as ten Voldemorts.” Seriously, it’s in the handbook.
12.5:
Oh great. A vampire stripper.
12.6:
… Okay, that tears it. I have got to stop reading these things.
13.4: Were I a lesser academic, I’d be tempted to point out the amazing potential of the following panel, as well as suggesting that those of you with popular image-editing software could put it to more hilarious uses:
But that, of course, would be beneath us here at the ISB.
18.1: Vampire Strippers? This is madness!
Madness?
18.2: At last, it can be told: This panel features the historic first meeting of Anita and Jean-Claude:
As those of you who were here for our little chats on the previous installments of the series know, Jean-Claude–whose interests include both protecting the world from devastation and uniting all peoples within our nation–will go on to become a major player in the series, giving Anita super-powers, punching out a little girl, and generally making a nuisance of himself.
22.7: While trying to figure out how she can continue her investigation without tipping her hand to the vampires, Anita’s internal monologue informs us that, as she says, “I don’t do subtle.” Considering that she’s sitting in the champagne room of a vampire strip club on a couch next to a vampire in leather pants and a poet shirt who is so egregiously French that he ends his sentences with Claremontean pet names, I’m pretty sure “subtlety” was the last thing anybody was expecting here.
25.3: No, friends, your eyes do not decieve you: This scene involves Anita Blake using her martial arts skills to wrestle a grieving mother to the pavement. Our Heroine, ladies and gentlemen.
25.6: Useful Facts About Vampires #138:
After living among the source of the Spice, their eyes too will take on the blue-within-blue cast of the Fremen.
29.4: Sweet Christmas, this comic is long.
33.4: Seriously, Anita? Seriously?
And here I thought that a Kiss was the name for a group of moderately talented musicians who desperately cling to fame long after they’ve worn out their welcome from all but an extremely gullible core of die-hard fans. Oh well, you find out something new every day, I guess.
No. Not really.
These posts are always such a joy. Seriously, I want to buy you a present at this point.
Well, I do have a birthday coming up.
Just point me towards a wish list then!
“This isn’t my job!” “This is your job.” “This isn’t my job!” “This isn’t your job.” “This is my job!” “This ISN’T your job!” “Look, pal, I’ll tell you when it’s my job, and I say it’s my job!”
Pull quote for the collection:
“..the next great piece of contemporary fantasy literature…” – Chris Sims.
For real: As a St. Louisan I mildly regret that this piece of brilliance would come from someone who lives 10 minutes away from me. And no, that’s probably how St. Louis police would act. We are the most dangerous city, with or without vampires.
Alright, you lost about 500 points for the 300 reference. However, upon further review, the classic Dune reference does make up for it and put you over the top with a score of Awesome.
Does this mean that Anita Blake will be eaten by a sandworm? From an earlier description, it sounds like Baron Vladimir Harkonnen made an entrance…
Dude, did you crop page 6 funny or is 6.4 really just all that guy’s trenchcoat-colored back with his head cut off by the other panels and maybe 1/3 of Anita walking off? I want to give these guys the benefit of the doubt here, but if that’s what it looks like, that is really awful layout.
I like the last picture. Anita just looks so gosh-darned happy and proud of herself.
A “Kiss” of vampires? I find this incredibly ironic considering the Jimmy Olsen post right beneath this…
Is his name really Jean-Claude, because naming an important character in the story after an action star who kicked his way to the top seems a bit silly for a detective story (using the term loosely).
I am totally freaking out now at the awesome. And a kiss of vampires? Is it because they rock and roll all night and party every day?
Dear malakim2099,
The penii are the sand worms. There’s big ones, little ones and OMFG A MONSTER.
They call it Micah.
Team Rocket? Wow….
“fifth-favorite vampire hunter!”
Who are the other four?
My guess: Van Helsing, Buffy, Blade and D.
so… Dr. Sims, ¿did you PAY for this comic?
And if you did:
¿WHY?
7 dollar man Says:
Is his name really Jean-Claude, because naming an important character in the story after an action star who kicked his way to the top seems a bit silly for a detective story (using the term loosely).
She was gonna call him Jean-Luc, but that just seemed silly…
The penii are the sand worms. There’s big ones, little ones and OMFG A MONSTER.
I hope Frank Herbert wasn’t referring to this with the line, “the spice must flow.”
Am I the only one who finds that tendril of hair in her face to be incredibly annoying? How does she see? I just want to grab a pair of scissors and cut it off!
And once again, Chris, thanks for reading this stuff for me, so that I don’t have to.
“So for those of you wondering what kind of chops it takes to succeed in the world of the written word, allow me to present the following:”
Dude, this is so not what it takes.
But it IS hilarious, in a train-crashy sort of way.
So, question. Are vampires humans who have been bitten in this story or a different species entirely? And if they’re the former, why don’t they seem to have any human rights? Talk about discrimination, even if it’s against a fictional…er, race.
Heh, I’ve been reading Vampirates so maybe that’s why I wonder these things:
http://vampirates.keenspace.com/
Website’s down. Boo.
This URL is working:
http://vampirates.comicgen.com/
Oh, Chris, Chris, Chris.
All of us former Anita Blake Acolytes (meaning, those of that fled screaming into the uncaring night after book 6 – you know, book 6? Where Anita almost has an orgasm when she sees a quetzalcoatl, almost gets sexed up by an Aztec zombie/vampire – it’s never quite clear which – wearing a charming kilt made of, wait for it, writhing tentacles and body parts of undead – take THAT, Heroes for Hentai! – and also almost gets sexed up by a certifiably psychotic German serial killer named Olaf, who decides she is his One Twue Wuv and kills a lot of people as a form of foreplay*) knew that the Dabel Brothers foray into Anitaverse canon was going to go tragically and searingly awry once we saw that they actually tried to MAKE ZERBROWKSI HOT, with his Almost!Mullet and cute hornrimmed glasses.
This is why most former Anita fans have become vengeful, bitter nihilists and that’s why we watch films like Irreversible and think of the good old days when Anita bitchslapped vampires and spread their brains all over the upholstery and raised zombies the good old fashioned way.
It’s hard out here for a fangirl, man.
You want to know the depth of bitterness from Anita fans? You want to check out lkh_lashouts over on LiveJournal, right here. You will find the comics excoriated in excruciating and hilarious detail, as well as blogflogging and general animosity.
* This is also known as the Cable & Domino School of Foreplay, except without the “psychotic” part.
PS – I still have a love/hate relationship with Brubaker and Fraction’s Iron Fist, but I don’t hold your unquestioning love of the series against you. Just wanted you to know.
Maybe we should start using the Voldemort as a power meassuring unit; you know, like “Scarlet Witch has 100 voldemorts of power!”, “Yeah, but Dr. Strange has 500 voldemorts!” etc…
Alright, you lost about 500 points for the 300 reference.
OH NO! WHATEVER SHALL GRYFFINDOR DO?!
Dude, did you crop page 6 funny or is 6.4 really just all that guy’s trenchcoat-colored back with his head cut off by the other panels and maybe 1/3 of Anita walking off?
I cropped off the left-hand side, as panel 1 was irrelevant, so that’s only about two thirds of 6.4. The way it’s laid out vertically, though, is exactly how it is in the comic.
so… Dr. Sims, ¿did you PAY for this comic?
Of course!
And if you did: ¿WHY?
Well, did you enjoy reading the post? If so, you have your answer. If not, uh… sorry?
Am I the only one who finds that tendril of hair in her face to be incredibly annoying? How does she see? I just want to grab a pair of scissors and cut it off!
Oddly enough, it’s the exact same strand that Superman had during the Mullet Years. And you’re welcome.
Maybe we should start using the Voldemort as a power measuring unit; you know, like “Scarlet Witch has 100 voldemorts of power!â€, “Yeah, but Dr. Strange has 500 voldemorts!†etc…
Agreed, if only because I want to use the word “kilovoldemort” way more often than I have in the past. Which, as of that last sentence, is once.
Is the picture for 25.3 missing?
Related question:
Is there something wrong with me that the idea of this freakish albino kicking the crap out of a crying mother is so alluring i felt the need to make my first post after lurking here for at least 6 months?!?
The Dune reference has put these annotations one notch higher than they ever deserved to be.
That strange noise you were hearing was me suppressing snorts of laughter at work. These posts are sheer brilliance.
You know, I abosolutely LIVE for The Annotated Anita Blake.
Oh, and that bit about being “as powerful as ten Voldemorts”? Jeezus, how fanfic can you get?
“…written by Laurell K. Hamilton and Jonothon Green. So for those of you wondering what kind of chops it takes to succeed in the world of the written word, allow me to present the following:”
That, and it helps that Jonothon Green is married to Hamilton.
What REALLY gets me is all this is suppose to take place BEFORE the Anita books, and yet there are reference to things like Harry Potter and 300.
(Also I’m doing a similar sort of thing on my live journal with Danse Macabre)
Goshhhhh you´re funnnn lol, love your coments!!!